A Critique
January 5th 2009 19:17
This is a critique of the beginning to a novel. Alex has graciously volunteered for me to publically rip apart-I mean Critique-his work.
The full chapter can be found here: Really Long Link
I'll be doing this in the style of what the Critique Circle members call an Inline Critique. This is in my mind the best form of a critique, one which allows you to easily point out exactly where the problems lie.
“What is wrong with your eyes?!” My master cried as he flung me to the floor. I do not blame him though. I was being stupid.
The first sentence-the question and the master's action-is a great way to start off the story. However, in the second sentence, there is a tense shift. This is frustrating and jars us out of the story almost immediately, leaving us saying 'what the hell is going on here'. 'I was being stupid' is also not that great to have. We want to know what the character actually did-not just that he did something stupid.
“Leave me Ode. Join the rest of the Seers and find a place to hide. Once the battle dies down, those fools outside will probably take pity on you." He smiled down at me. "I'm sure you'll be okay."
Anyone who continues into this paragraph will see that there is writing talent here. I like this, though it is a bit of a sudden shift-however some people are like this, so it can easily be explained.
It was one of the most confounding things about my master. One moment I would hear madness in his voice, the next it would be compassion.
“I'm sorry, your majesty but I will not do that. My place is by your side” as I pick myself up I try to smile but as always it doesn’t come. He’s looking the other way anyway.
The present tense is confusing with the past tense; keep it one tense or the other unless specifically in a flashback. It's a lot easier to work with past tense; present tense is nearly impossible to work with in a novel. I think there's a little bit too much telling as well. I would try something like this:
'One of the oddest things about my master; one moment I would hear anger, the next it would only be compassion in his voice.
"I'm sorry your majesty, but I will not do that. My place is by your side," I said, picking myself up, trying to smile; it never came. Not that he was even looking my way anymore."'
'Majesty' is interesting, with plenty of interesting implications. That's good.
I peer out over the shattered balcony. The courtyard below was blazing. Black smoke from the alchemists’ fire was mixing with the white smoke of burning wood. My masters’ army was shattered, the last remnant of the humans who had flocked to his banner were making a concerted last stand in the surrounding city. But the young hero, Merrosworth, had broken in and he and his comrades were fighting their way through the towers remaining guards. As far as they were concerned the battle was still not won. But I am a Seer, and I know my master is fated to die this day.
This is fascinating. I like the description; I like the story it seems to be telling-the present tense is still jarring, but it's a lot less noticeable when not right beside past tense.
“It’s the eyes, they’re the key. All your eyes are wrong!” He yelled into the open air, sending another burst of anger fuelled fire from the Pacion wound around his right arm. “They’re so deep and, and, and wrong! I know it. I feel it. It’s like I can see your soul by looking into them. Its not right!” More fire rained down on the battlefield bellow. White hot, it burned through the Grand Alliance troops below. Elves, Men, Berren and Demioun screamed.
“Why!” My master screamed at the sky. “Why have I been so stupid? I burnt those villages? Why? To set an example to corpses? Of course that would bring the armies of the Scape to my door. So I built an army with no one alive to feed it. How was I so stupid?”
Powerful. A bit cliche-makes me think almost of Sauron from LoTR, a story told from his servant's point of view. Berren and Demioun-obviously some time has been spent building this world, and it's little details like that which will keep people interested.
I think the bits about fire are the most cliched part. They aren't written all that well either. I would try something like this:
"He screamed into the open air, a burst of angry fire from the Pacion wound around his right arm raining down on the battlefield below. White hot fire burning through the troops before; the screams of the Grand Alliance rang out through the sky, above the clamor of battle."
All in all, it seems like a story with potential but a need for a general rewrite. Nothing too bad, just common mistakes most writers make at some point.
----------------------------- ------
The essence of a good beginning is drawing in your readers, showing enough of your world to keep them interested and enough of your characters. To give your characters a clear voice from the very beginning; that is what will draw a reader in.
Thank you Alex for allowing me to critique your work. Please email me if you would like the rest of the chapter critiqued via email.
Thanks for reading everyone. By the way, I've developed an allergy to cats (including mine) so I may not be posting much until I've gotten medication for it.
~Dianna
The full chapter can be found here: Really Long Link
I'll be doing this in the style of what the Critique Circle members call an Inline Critique. This is in my mind the best form of a critique, one which allows you to easily point out exactly where the problems lie.
“What is wrong with your eyes?!” My master cried as he flung me to the floor. I do not blame him though. I was being stupid.
The first sentence-the question and the master's action-is a great way to start off the story. However, in the second sentence, there is a tense shift. This is frustrating and jars us out of the story almost immediately, leaving us saying 'what the hell is going on here'. 'I was being stupid' is also not that great to have. We want to know what the character actually did-not just that he did something stupid.
“Leave me Ode. Join the rest of the Seers and find a place to hide. Once the battle dies down, those fools outside will probably take pity on you." He smiled down at me. "I'm sure you'll be okay."
Anyone who continues into this paragraph will see that there is writing talent here. I like this, though it is a bit of a sudden shift-however some people are like this, so it can easily be explained.
It was one of the most confounding things about my master. One moment I would hear madness in his voice, the next it would be compassion.
“I'm sorry, your majesty but I will not do that. My place is by your side” as I pick myself up I try to smile but as always it doesn’t come. He’s looking the other way anyway.
The present tense is confusing with the past tense; keep it one tense or the other unless specifically in a flashback. It's a lot easier to work with past tense; present tense is nearly impossible to work with in a novel. I think there's a little bit too much telling as well. I would try something like this:
'One of the oddest things about my master; one moment I would hear anger, the next it would only be compassion in his voice.
"I'm sorry your majesty, but I will not do that. My place is by your side," I said, picking myself up, trying to smile; it never came. Not that he was even looking my way anymore."'
'Majesty' is interesting, with plenty of interesting implications. That's good.
I peer out over the shattered balcony. The courtyard below was blazing. Black smoke from the alchemists’ fire was mixing with the white smoke of burning wood. My masters’ army was shattered, the last remnant of the humans who had flocked to his banner were making a concerted last stand in the surrounding city. But the young hero, Merrosworth, had broken in and he and his comrades were fighting their way through the towers remaining guards. As far as they were concerned the battle was still not won. But I am a Seer, and I know my master is fated to die this day.
This is fascinating. I like the description; I like the story it seems to be telling-the present tense is still jarring, but it's a lot less noticeable when not right beside past tense.
“It’s the eyes, they’re the key. All your eyes are wrong!” He yelled into the open air, sending another burst of anger fuelled fire from the Pacion wound around his right arm. “They’re so deep and, and, and wrong! I know it. I feel it. It’s like I can see your soul by looking into them. Its not right!” More fire rained down on the battlefield bellow. White hot, it burned through the Grand Alliance troops below. Elves, Men, Berren and Demioun screamed.
“Why!” My master screamed at the sky. “Why have I been so stupid? I burnt those villages? Why? To set an example to corpses? Of course that would bring the armies of the Scape to my door. So I built an army with no one alive to feed it. How was I so stupid?”
Powerful. A bit cliche-makes me think almost of Sauron from LoTR, a story told from his servant's point of view. Berren and Demioun-obviously some time has been spent building this world, and it's little details like that which will keep people interested.
I think the bits about fire are the most cliched part. They aren't written all that well either. I would try something like this:
"He screamed into the open air, a burst of angry fire from the Pacion wound around his right arm raining down on the battlefield below. White hot fire burning through the troops before; the screams of the Grand Alliance rang out through the sky, above the clamor of battle."
All in all, it seems like a story with potential but a need for a general rewrite. Nothing too bad, just common mistakes most writers make at some point.
----------------------------- ------
The essence of a good beginning is drawing in your readers, showing enough of your world to keep them interested and enough of your characters. To give your characters a clear voice from the very beginning; that is what will draw a reader in.
Thank you Alex for allowing me to critique your work. Please email me if you would like the rest of the chapter critiqued via email.
Thanks for reading everyone. By the way, I've developed an allergy to cats (including mine) so I may not be posting much until I've gotten medication for it.
~Dianna
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