I need opinions on this and QUICKLEH
June 14th 2008 07:18
I'm going to be submitting this in 15 hours for various reasons so I need opinions on the synopsis for Moonshadow's Guardian. Anyone who is willing to read and give a basic critique of the book (it's short, about 250 odd pages double spaced) just post your email and I'll send the file to you.
All comments and crits are much appreciated. Here goes:
In Moonshadow's Guardian, we follow Riana, a demon who defies the traditional definition of 'demon'. We discover that she wishes to remain with the humans, in peace. She is brought back to the demons' 'Home' before being rescued by a god, Loki, from the angry hands of her 'Family'. Riana is then sent to protect the nation Moonshadow and its royal bloodline. In doing so, her first duty is to destroy a plague obviously created by a Telar, a telepath.
Riana travels to the ancient city of Riminira with challenges, and on the way she falls in love with a vampire named Andre, of the royal bloodline of Moonshadow. In Riminira an ancient woman, Lari, is using the victims of the plague. Their souls leave and souls from her ancient culture return. Riana and Andre travel on their dragon, Rolf, to destroy Lari, going ahead of the camp. Lari's ancient power source is destroyed and Riminira burns to the ground.
She returns to Moonshadow with survivors of the old country, Shalinor. They begin to rebuild Shalinor as a faction of Moonshadow. She leads a group of colonists, displaced from the burning of the town, to the ancient City of the Endeared. Old memories of her first Summoning to the human plane return to haunt her and she begins to do research in the ancient, magically preserved library there. The Librarian, a shadow being, aids her with his knowledge of the library.
War breaks out between Moonshadow and another nation, Tar'Ig'Vor. Riana fights with the Librarian and makes a friend of the army's leader, Nathan. She sees the Librarian one last time before the city is attacked, and they make a deal. Nathan dies in battle, and when she returns, the Librarian has faded away to nothing.
Riana makes an alliance with the Tar'Ig'Vor rebels and destroys the old royal family, putting another family in its place. She then returns to the capital of Moonshadow, where the original monarch, Jacob I, a vampire, returns with his wife Beth to lead Moonshadow into the Golden Age.
Riana lives happily for many years with Andre... and then she writes her story, and with it, condemns herself to death; the ancient punishment of the gods invoked.
All comments and crits are much appreciated. Here goes:
In Moonshadow's Guardian, we follow Riana, a demon who defies the traditional definition of 'demon'. We discover that she wishes to remain with the humans, in peace. She is brought back to the demons' 'Home' before being rescued by a god, Loki, from the angry hands of her 'Family'. Riana is then sent to protect the nation Moonshadow and its royal bloodline. In doing so, her first duty is to destroy a plague obviously created by a Telar, a telepath.
Riana travels to the ancient city of Riminira with challenges, and on the way she falls in love with a vampire named Andre, of the royal bloodline of Moonshadow. In Riminira an ancient woman, Lari, is using the victims of the plague. Their souls leave and souls from her ancient culture return. Riana and Andre travel on their dragon, Rolf, to destroy Lari, going ahead of the camp. Lari's ancient power source is destroyed and Riminira burns to the ground.
She returns to Moonshadow with survivors of the old country, Shalinor. They begin to rebuild Shalinor as a faction of Moonshadow. She leads a group of colonists, displaced from the burning of the town, to the ancient City of the Endeared. Old memories of her first Summoning to the human plane return to haunt her and she begins to do research in the ancient, magically preserved library there. The Librarian, a shadow being, aids her with his knowledge of the library.
War breaks out between Moonshadow and another nation, Tar'Ig'Vor. Riana fights with the Librarian and makes a friend of the army's leader, Nathan. She sees the Librarian one last time before the city is attacked, and they make a deal. Nathan dies in battle, and when she returns, the Librarian has faded away to nothing.
Riana makes an alliance with the Tar'Ig'Vor rebels and destroys the old royal family, putting another family in its place. She then returns to the capital of Moonshadow, where the original monarch, Jacob I, a vampire, returns with his wife Beth to lead Moonshadow into the Golden Age.
Riana lives happily for many years with Andre... and then she writes her story, and with it, condemns herself to death; the ancient punishment of the gods invoked.
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Comment by katyzzz
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Just a suggestion,
Peaceful existence with humans is what Riana craves, having been thought of by many as a demon, but a demon who defies definition.
She is held tight in the angry, possessive hands of her evil family until rescued by the God of eternal salvation and degradation and thrust into mysterious and unrelenting tortuous worlds of swirling ethos and unidentifiable plasmas finding them mystical and inexplicable
Her obligation is now to rescue 'Moonshadow' from a plague inflicted on their community by a telepath.
She is caught up in multiple worlds including souls of the departed and everything she attempts is influenced by her passion for a vampire named Andre with whom she has fallen violently in love, being overwhelmed by the intensity of her emotion, in a world she can no longer understand .......
Etc, etc,
You'll get my gist, it is less sequential and more suggestive to engage the readers curiosity.
This is your story and your writing not mine, but I hope my suggestions are at least a little helpful.
The story sounds good but less explanation and more inspiration is more likely to capture a reading audience, in my opinion.
Of course, as a young writer you will not be expected to write as I have suggested and if you are comfortable with what you have done and your expression you should not be deterred by anything I have to say.
Good luck, and do let us know how it all goes. katyzzz
Comment by Dianna G
I Wish This Was 42
Fictional Worlds
Other than that I like it and I AM planning on editing it like six million times because I'm OCD like that.
Thankies,
~Dianna
Comment by Brenton
Dr Spin
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This actually sounds interesting, so it has potetial. For the synopsis all I'd do is really emphasise the motivations.
Um, if you do want to throw the whole thing my way, no promises but brenton.clutterbuck@gmail.com.
Comment by Dianna G
I Wish This Was 42
Fictional Worlds
~Dianna
Comment by Lilla
Enviro Warrior
An Extra Ordinary Life
Dream Herald
I just love the story plot and the characters are already like I know them? (uncanny) ...
I think it will be a grreat success no matter how it is written - although I must admit I found Katyzzzs passionate account of the details captivating - either way, I am left wanting to read on further (after your synopsis) to discover more about each character and their thoughts and feelings and to find out how this all works out in the end..
One word: dystopic endings are really hard to take (although i appreciate their ability to relay a particular moral) however, I think Fantasy stories lend themselves to the very genre that should foster hope, and love the way you have allowed allowed Riana the right to choose her end-days ... Bravo.
I think they,ll love it.
Please let us know if this goes to print, Id love to read it in full ...
Lilla ...