Dear Diary 17
February 24th 2009 06:07
Dear Diary,
I visited Loki today; I sat in the council and discussed my plan for a while. We discussed other things-my visit to the royal family, our current plans, back up plans, progress, night reports, all of those things we simply have to pay attention to at least twice a week.
After the council I went back to Loki's den within the palace. We took tea together and spoke of many things, and for quite some time. He helped me pull myself together. And when I broke down, when the tears spilled out, he was holding me as usual, giving me his shoulder to cry on. I would never break down like that in front of the others; I do not know what it is about Loki that makes me so much freer around him.
But whatever is there, I am grateful for it. With no one I could truly open my heart to, nobody who truly forgave me, I would be alone, frustrated, weak. I would never have been able to do all that I have done without Loki's help. He pulled me together at the very beginning of all this. Without him I would have simply watched my kingdom, my Drakor, fall and wither and die.
But he is my savior. He rescued me out of the dark; his hand reached into the darkness and his voice called my name. And when I heard his voice, I knew he was the one person in all the world that I could trust with my heart and soul.
He took my hand and he led me out of the darkness, into this world which I realized was bright and beautiful, worth fighting for. I see now that it was the only time to do it. Now there is little but darkness in this world. There is a glimmer of hope, but if I were still in the darkness it would not be bright enough to reach me.
As it is I know what I am fighting for, though part of the battle is simply not losing sight of what my end goal is. Not losing sight of what there is to fight for, what there will be in twenty, thirty years. The world will be strong again in two hundred years, and Appollinia will be its brightest light once more.
I know that day will come. The day must come when Appollinia stands strong, the shining light at the center of an alliance. Though perhaps Fidolius will never be part of it again, the Elves and the Drakor have only forged stronger bonds with each other and the people of Appollinia during this war; fighting side by side this many years.
Closing my eyes I can see it, just the way it was before this war started. With the huge temples, visitors streaming in and out all day. The heat of the market even in winter, the smell that radiates from every inn. The sound of children running and laughing near the temples of Talyn; the sound of birds calling out hello to the sun as you watch the sun come up from the riverbanks.
I can imagine the peaceful sunrise in the woods, when people no longer have to worry about little groups of Fidolians breaching our borders. The times when people in the little villages can still go out at night. Times when people near the border aren't afraid to go out alone.
Those times are coming. They are beyond the visible horizon now, but I can feel that they are on their way. I just hope that they are coming quickly.
Loki reminded me today. He reminded me that there is good in the world, that there is faith, that there is loyalty among friends. He reminded me that there are people it's all right to break down in front of, people who won't look for a way to use it against you. He has been very reasonable, very forgiving, very understanding towards me. He has shown great caring and I wish there was something I could do to show him how much I appreciate him.
But for now there is nothing, because I have nothing to offer him. I hope that later on I can do for him what he wants, give him something to repay him for all that he has done for me. It is Loki and there is a part of me that fears he will ask me to pay a price later on.
Perhaps he will, but I will gladly pay it when I can. For now there is nothing I have to offer him that he could possibly want. But he can save his favours for later, when he really needs them. Or perhaps-and I doubt this-there really is no price. Perhaps he is simply doing this for the kingdom and because it serves his purposes directly.
I do not know. I must take advantage of what he has offered me and what he has done for me, I must be strong, and when I am ready, we will see about me repaying him. We shall see.
~Astarael
I visited Loki today; I sat in the council and discussed my plan for a while. We discussed other things-my visit to the royal family, our current plans, back up plans, progress, night reports, all of those things we simply have to pay attention to at least twice a week.
After the council I went back to Loki's den within the palace. We took tea together and spoke of many things, and for quite some time. He helped me pull myself together. And when I broke down, when the tears spilled out, he was holding me as usual, giving me his shoulder to cry on. I would never break down like that in front of the others; I do not know what it is about Loki that makes me so much freer around him.
But whatever is there, I am grateful for it. With no one I could truly open my heart to, nobody who truly forgave me, I would be alone, frustrated, weak. I would never have been able to do all that I have done without Loki's help. He pulled me together at the very beginning of all this. Without him I would have simply watched my kingdom, my Drakor, fall and wither and die.
But he is my savior. He rescued me out of the dark; his hand reached into the darkness and his voice called my name. And when I heard his voice, I knew he was the one person in all the world that I could trust with my heart and soul.
He took my hand and he led me out of the darkness, into this world which I realized was bright and beautiful, worth fighting for. I see now that it was the only time to do it. Now there is little but darkness in this world. There is a glimmer of hope, but if I were still in the darkness it would not be bright enough to reach me.
As it is I know what I am fighting for, though part of the battle is simply not losing sight of what my end goal is. Not losing sight of what there is to fight for, what there will be in twenty, thirty years. The world will be strong again in two hundred years, and Appollinia will be its brightest light once more.
I know that day will come. The day must come when Appollinia stands strong, the shining light at the center of an alliance. Though perhaps Fidolius will never be part of it again, the Elves and the Drakor have only forged stronger bonds with each other and the people of Appollinia during this war; fighting side by side this many years.
Closing my eyes I can see it, just the way it was before this war started. With the huge temples, visitors streaming in and out all day. The heat of the market even in winter, the smell that radiates from every inn. The sound of children running and laughing near the temples of Talyn; the sound of birds calling out hello to the sun as you watch the sun come up from the riverbanks.
I can imagine the peaceful sunrise in the woods, when people no longer have to worry about little groups of Fidolians breaching our borders. The times when people in the little villages can still go out at night. Times when people near the border aren't afraid to go out alone.
Those times are coming. They are beyond the visible horizon now, but I can feel that they are on their way. I just hope that they are coming quickly.
Loki reminded me today. He reminded me that there is good in the world, that there is faith, that there is loyalty among friends. He reminded me that there are people it's all right to break down in front of, people who won't look for a way to use it against you. He has been very reasonable, very forgiving, very understanding towards me. He has shown great caring and I wish there was something I could do to show him how much I appreciate him.
But for now there is nothing, because I have nothing to offer him. I hope that later on I can do for him what he wants, give him something to repay him for all that he has done for me. It is Loki and there is a part of me that fears he will ask me to pay a price later on.
Perhaps he will, but I will gladly pay it when I can. For now there is nothing I have to offer him that he could possibly want. But he can save his favours for later, when he really needs them. Or perhaps-and I doubt this-there really is no price. Perhaps he is simply doing this for the kingdom and because it serves his purposes directly.
I do not know. I must take advantage of what he has offered me and what he has done for me, I must be strong, and when I am ready, we will see about me repaying him. We shall see.
~Astarael
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