Dear Diary 10
February 13th 2009 18:23
Dear Diary,
The shadows are all around me each night in my sleep; they are engulfing me, trapping me, making me weep. He knows the darkness is rising, he's seen the wall of flames; I have come to realize that nothing has changed.
Desperation wakes me from my hollow sleep each morn, and as the sun rises I wish it would no more. The end is near, I feel it in my bones; all alone I have grown old. This war has brought out the demon in me, and I never wanted this to be.
Shadows consume me, enveloping me, holding me tight in their embrace; and I live in the shadows, willing, ready, they are mine and I am theirs. I give up. All is lost, I can see it now; I can see it each night in my dreams if I wish. For a Goddess dreams too oft come true. I will soon abandon my people, with little faith.
Little faith in them, in their ability to do anything for me. My demons are real, my demons do not leave. They will always be here, haunting me. I am beyond the point of all caring. I am beyond the point where anything matters anymore. Nothing matters to me now; I am too far gone. The world is an empty place full of cold hearted people.
They just want to break you. I watched that girl and her brother beaten and broken; I heard them breaking in their sobs. I watched them fade away. I am afraid I am doing the same. Simply withering away, too ruined by this war to ever go on. Nothing can be the same again. The darkness has risen, and it will not fall.
I see the light, on the edge of night. But I fear it is not real, a beacon of false hopes meant simply to crush my spirit more. It would seem there have been plenty of those during this night, this war; the night, the war, which may never end.
I am afraid of nothing, and there is nothing to be afraid of. There is no point in fearing; I have simply come to accept my fate. My fate is set, is seen; there is only one thing for me now, one possible fate for me. That fate is the darkness, the end, the destruction. Who am I kidding? I am not strong enough to destroy Elric, but he is strong enough to destroy me.
And at the end I will kneel before him, as I know he has always dreamed I would. I will sacrifice my dignity, and beg him to destroy me. Beg him to bring my end, but to spare the last of my people. For if only one survives, it is enough for me. I will gladly give my life if I can save one of my people. It is not a live worth living, the life of a fallen Goddess. I am powerful; I am higher, I have further to fall.
I will fall. We will all fall; they will crumble one by one behind me and I will just watch. They will falter, they will fail. Eventually they will see the pointlessness of this fight. I give up. Five decades and still we cannot win. The humans have been pushed too far; for them, this war can go on no longer. So I will crumble if only my people will be allowed to live.
My only fear is that he will lie to me; he will promise me, and he will lie. I will die for nothing, my death will be in vain. He will promise to spare my people; but who am I to say that any one of them will actually survive? He has betrayed me before, he will likely do it again. They will live for a time; and then they will die, by his treacherous hand.
Elric is a demon, a monster; something to be hated and perhaps even feared. I know that I hate him with all of my heart, but I do not know that I fear him. I fear only my own weakness, which makes me unable to defeat him. I would try; I would try so hard but it would not get through.
I cannot see the demons, I cannot see the light; the darkness is overwhelming, there is nothing bright. Nothing to guide my way, nothing to know where the demons hide. Perhaps he has none to follow me today, but who can know?
Perhaps the reason why we have almost lost this war, why we will lose the war, why we are losing this war right now, is because there is one on his side among us. Perhaps there is a spy of some sort; perhaps somebody is watching from the sidelines. Perhaps he has an eye on the inside.
I am not afraid of him. I refuse to be afraid of him. I simply know what he can do, and I know what I can do-what all the others can do-and we cannot compare. Our power will never be enough to destroy him, all of this is foolish. If I had agreed to his idea in the first place, so long ago, then we would never have gone to war. Because our countries would already be united. As one.
But now he is determined to destroy. To take things away from me. And I am determined not to let him, not to let him destroy, not to let him take anything way from me. He will get nothing from me; there is nothing left for me to give which he did not already take.
The monster is going to get me. But perhaps if I give myself up early in the game, although it is not exactly early now, I will give myself in now, and perhaps I can save what is left of my kingdom. Perhaps I can convince him to spare the others, spare the humans and the Drakor who still live; to spare all those who he has not already killed.
I will think about it. But for now I must return to the shadows of my dreams; they are dark, they are peaceful. They will destroy me, consume me whole; but then there will be little left for Elric, who does not deserve all of me.
~Astarael
The shadows are all around me each night in my sleep; they are engulfing me, trapping me, making me weep. He knows the darkness is rising, he's seen the wall of flames; I have come to realize that nothing has changed.
Desperation wakes me from my hollow sleep each morn, and as the sun rises I wish it would no more. The end is near, I feel it in my bones; all alone I have grown old. This war has brought out the demon in me, and I never wanted this to be.
Shadows consume me, enveloping me, holding me tight in their embrace; and I live in the shadows, willing, ready, they are mine and I am theirs. I give up. All is lost, I can see it now; I can see it each night in my dreams if I wish. For a Goddess dreams too oft come true. I will soon abandon my people, with little faith.
Little faith in them, in their ability to do anything for me. My demons are real, my demons do not leave. They will always be here, haunting me. I am beyond the point of all caring. I am beyond the point where anything matters anymore. Nothing matters to me now; I am too far gone. The world is an empty place full of cold hearted people.
They just want to break you. I watched that girl and her brother beaten and broken; I heard them breaking in their sobs. I watched them fade away. I am afraid I am doing the same. Simply withering away, too ruined by this war to ever go on. Nothing can be the same again. The darkness has risen, and it will not fall.
I see the light, on the edge of night. But I fear it is not real, a beacon of false hopes meant simply to crush my spirit more. It would seem there have been plenty of those during this night, this war; the night, the war, which may never end.
I am afraid of nothing, and there is nothing to be afraid of. There is no point in fearing; I have simply come to accept my fate. My fate is set, is seen; there is only one thing for me now, one possible fate for me. That fate is the darkness, the end, the destruction. Who am I kidding? I am not strong enough to destroy Elric, but he is strong enough to destroy me.
And at the end I will kneel before him, as I know he has always dreamed I would. I will sacrifice my dignity, and beg him to destroy me. Beg him to bring my end, but to spare the last of my people. For if only one survives, it is enough for me. I will gladly give my life if I can save one of my people. It is not a live worth living, the life of a fallen Goddess. I am powerful; I am higher, I have further to fall.
I will fall. We will all fall; they will crumble one by one behind me and I will just watch. They will falter, they will fail. Eventually they will see the pointlessness of this fight. I give up. Five decades and still we cannot win. The humans have been pushed too far; for them, this war can go on no longer. So I will crumble if only my people will be allowed to live.
My only fear is that he will lie to me; he will promise me, and he will lie. I will die for nothing, my death will be in vain. He will promise to spare my people; but who am I to say that any one of them will actually survive? He has betrayed me before, he will likely do it again. They will live for a time; and then they will die, by his treacherous hand.
Elric is a demon, a monster; something to be hated and perhaps even feared. I know that I hate him with all of my heart, but I do not know that I fear him. I fear only my own weakness, which makes me unable to defeat him. I would try; I would try so hard but it would not get through.
I cannot see the demons, I cannot see the light; the darkness is overwhelming, there is nothing bright. Nothing to guide my way, nothing to know where the demons hide. Perhaps he has none to follow me today, but who can know?
Perhaps the reason why we have almost lost this war, why we will lose the war, why we are losing this war right now, is because there is one on his side among us. Perhaps there is a spy of some sort; perhaps somebody is watching from the sidelines. Perhaps he has an eye on the inside.
I am not afraid of him. I refuse to be afraid of him. I simply know what he can do, and I know what I can do-what all the others can do-and we cannot compare. Our power will never be enough to destroy him, all of this is foolish. If I had agreed to his idea in the first place, so long ago, then we would never have gone to war. Because our countries would already be united. As one.
But now he is determined to destroy. To take things away from me. And I am determined not to let him, not to let him destroy, not to let him take anything way from me. He will get nothing from me; there is nothing left for me to give which he did not already take.
The monster is going to get me. But perhaps if I give myself up early in the game, although it is not exactly early now, I will give myself in now, and perhaps I can save what is left of my kingdom. Perhaps I can convince him to spare the others, spare the humans and the Drakor who still live; to spare all those who he has not already killed.
I will think about it. But for now I must return to the shadows of my dreams; they are dark, they are peaceful. They will destroy me, consume me whole; but then there will be little left for Elric, who does not deserve all of me.
~Astarael
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