Dear Daddy, November 28th 2009
It's been four years now that you've been gone. Today is the anniversary of your death. In your honour I lie here with a glass of Egg Nog, your favourite drink, Snellock, our teddy bear, and Nan's laptop writing to you by the light of five beautiful candles.
There are so many things that I could say. I miss you so much. So much has happened, so much has changed. I have changed, the world around me has changed, we have all changed. But your memory stays the same.
I remember in the winter when Tamara's dad died. I remember when she called me and she asked me, at one thirty in the morning, “when does this pain go away?” and I remember how it broke my heart. I wanted to tell her anything but the truth. I was at a loss for words. Three years then you had been gone, and I didn't hurt any less when I thought of you. I don't love you any less. I don't cherish your memory any less. All I could say is “it doesn't.” I know that wasn't what she wanted to hear but that was the truth.
I'm sure you know about all the unpleasantness that has gone on in my life in the last four years, especially in the last two. I can't hide these things from you. You see them because you are watching over me, and perhaps without you watching over me I would be dead. I love you, and I love my memories of you, and I wish that I could make more.
I'm finally back on track with school. I'm going to a different school now, an alternative school called Contact, and it's really been great for me. The teachers there are really devoted to what they do, they enjoy their work and they're good at it. They treat us like people, not like students, not like children, but like real people with opinions that are just as important as their own. Yes they are still teaching us, and they give us work and expect us to follow certain rules, but the way that they talk to us is very different. They don't look down on us.
My marks are looking good and though the last week it's been hard for me to get up in the mornings to get to school, I've been there as much as I could manage. I'm just so tired... so tired from all of this stress, all of this pain. Because it really never does go away. Sometimes it gets a little easier, but it's never fully gone. I will never stop missing you, never stop loving you, never stop writing these letters to you until the day that I die.
Four years. I can't believe it's been that long, or how much has happened. I can't believe how much I still miss you. You know, they told me it would get easier. It's only gotten worse. I miss you just as much as I ever did, because I can't believe how long it's been. Four years since I hugged you, four years since I talked to you... five years since before you were sick. It feels like a decade or perhaps a century has passed.
I think you'd be proud of me, in some ways. I know there are certain paths that I have gone down that you wouldn't really approve of, but overall I think you would be proud. I've gotten back on track with school, and I've never given up my dream of writing. The love of writing is just as strong in me as my love for you-it is one thing I will never lose.
This year of course I have participated in Nanowrimo as I have done every year for the last five, this being my sixth year. I haven't written nearly as much as I did last year, only having written two hundred and ten thousand words at this point. I can't say I'm proud of that, because I've missed days upon days of writing and I won't be getting to three hundred thousand, which means I won't get as much done as I did last year.
What I have written I am proud of and I've enjoyed most of it. Some of it, of course, has been like pulling teeth but for the most part it's been pretty good. I really like how the one novel that I actually managed to finish, Phoenix Falling, turned out. Not only was it a good book, for a first draft, and a fascinating story that involved a lot more than I thought it did, and it connected the different worlds in which I've been writing.
I'm really proud of where I am in life. I'm living with Nan, which I'm sure you already knew, and it's great. I really like it here, both in terms of the apartment we live in and the fact of living with Nan. I really enjoy spending time with her, I enjoy the conversations we have, I enjoy all of these things.
Life has gotten a lot better since I've been here and in that way it's easier. I have a boyfriend now who I would love to spend a long time with, but not necessarily the rest of my life. His name is Spencer and he's a sweetheart. I like him a lot... he lives out of town, which makes it difficult, but there's no one else right now, so why not give it a chance? I can see myself falling in love with him, spending a long time with him.
There's so much more that I could say, but for now I'm going to sign off... I should head to bed soon. Well, I should turn off the lappy and go to sleep soon...
Missing&loving you,
~Dianna
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