Dear Diary 19
February 28th 2009 17:31
Dear Diary,
I am frustrated. I have been writing poetry all day, haunted by memories of Elric. I know the time must come when I am to destroy him, and my feelings are mixed. My mind is rather broken from the burden this places upon me. But Loki has given me confidence. Today he spoke with me at length again; we met with the council and he took me to his den for tea.
He seems worried about me; he said that I looked tired, frustrated. And I suppose I really must have-I am frustrated beyond belief. With these dreams that keep returning. They remind me of a dark past and in a way they frighten me. I am not truly afraid but I do wonder at times if they are trying to tell me that I am not ready yet.
My eyes were behind wool so long but now my vision is quite clear; I know what I must do, where I must go. I know I must continue to move on with my life, to go further than I ever have before; to destroy everything I once thought was good in the world.
I miss the peaceful bliss of when I was blind. I am glad to see the truth now but I do not like how the truth has come to be. How the truth is. So frustrating; it makes me feel so helpless to watch all of this go on.
But tonight when the sun goes down I will go to fight; two nights and two days. The sun is lowering now, but it is not moonlight yet.
I must not go until the sun is fully down; for that is when they start the burning. I think in some ways they are afraid to start burning our people in the heat of the day, in case the fire spreads to their own. I wish that it would burn them, that all the mages would go up in a row of flaming pillars. It would satisfy me completely.
My nights are dark and my days too bright to reveal my eyes. But they will see me soon, and I will destroy these priests. I will slaughter them like pigs. I will destroy them as they have destroyed soldiers that have fought for me. I will fight for all of those who have laid down their lives for me and the other Gods.
I cannot go there before the sun is down. It is simply not right. I am the Goddess of Death, I enter with the night. I may stay with you through the day and watch and wait and take your life, but I will not come when the sun is out. I come only by moonlight or not at all.
I will come; and I will bring death with me. Death to those who have done my people wrong. I pray that my people will accept my help. That they will not turn away. I pray that this will restore the faith in my people of their Goddess. I hope, in the very depths of my heart, my soul, that they will see this as a show of respect. I hope they will see that I truly care for them.
I wish there was more that I could do, and I hope this will be enough to make my people happy at least for a moment. I hope it will lighten the burdens on their hearts. The hearts of my soldiers who fight and die for me. I will not let the sacrifices that have been made go unrewarded. Those who have given everything for me during this war are reborn in Phoenix.
Memories haunt me; they are blurry, they are dark. Some of them are bright but tinted by the truth of what I know now, what I have come to realize. I am frustrated by these memories, as clearly shows on my face-at least to Loki. I am given endless torment and taunting by these memories, which wave themselves in my face and make me bitter and cold.
My eyes are open to the truth; am I ready to do what must be done about it? I don't know-I wonder, sometimes, if I am ready. I must be ready soon. Loki's words comfort me but the strength they bring is not everlasting.
I fear that I may soon come to fall in love with Loki; he has been so very close to me during this war. He has been here for me through the hardest moments of my life. And it brings happiness to me to know that he is there. That he worries for me, that he cares for me. It is a happy thing for me to know that even when I feel like giving up hope there is someone out there who will bring me back into the light.
Though perhaps into the light is the wrong word. But he brings me back into the best way of life I can live right now. I feel wounded, as though I am missing something, but he replaces it for a little while each time we talk. Talking to him always feel like I am lifting a burden from myself, and that he is sharing in my pain, that he is there with me to help me.
I am very open with him, as I never was even with Elric. It frees me to be around him and to know that I can say anything to him and he will forgive me. He has truly forgiven all of my wrongs as I think the others cannot bring themselves to.
The sun departs; it is time to see my people.
~Astarael
I am frustrated. I have been writing poetry all day, haunted by memories of Elric. I know the time must come when I am to destroy him, and my feelings are mixed. My mind is rather broken from the burden this places upon me. But Loki has given me confidence. Today he spoke with me at length again; we met with the council and he took me to his den for tea.
He seems worried about me; he said that I looked tired, frustrated. And I suppose I really must have-I am frustrated beyond belief. With these dreams that keep returning. They remind me of a dark past and in a way they frighten me. I am not truly afraid but I do wonder at times if they are trying to tell me that I am not ready yet.
My eyes were behind wool so long but now my vision is quite clear; I know what I must do, where I must go. I know I must continue to move on with my life, to go further than I ever have before; to destroy everything I once thought was good in the world.
I miss the peaceful bliss of when I was blind. I am glad to see the truth now but I do not like how the truth has come to be. How the truth is. So frustrating; it makes me feel so helpless to watch all of this go on.
But tonight when the sun goes down I will go to fight; two nights and two days. The sun is lowering now, but it is not moonlight yet.
I must not go until the sun is fully down; for that is when they start the burning. I think in some ways they are afraid to start burning our people in the heat of the day, in case the fire spreads to their own. I wish that it would burn them, that all the mages would go up in a row of flaming pillars. It would satisfy me completely.
My nights are dark and my days too bright to reveal my eyes. But they will see me soon, and I will destroy these priests. I will slaughter them like pigs. I will destroy them as they have destroyed soldiers that have fought for me. I will fight for all of those who have laid down their lives for me and the other Gods.
I cannot go there before the sun is down. It is simply not right. I am the Goddess of Death, I enter with the night. I may stay with you through the day and watch and wait and take your life, but I will not come when the sun is out. I come only by moonlight or not at all.
I will come; and I will bring death with me. Death to those who have done my people wrong. I pray that my people will accept my help. That they will not turn away. I pray that this will restore the faith in my people of their Goddess. I hope, in the very depths of my heart, my soul, that they will see this as a show of respect. I hope they will see that I truly care for them.
I wish there was more that I could do, and I hope this will be enough to make my people happy at least for a moment. I hope it will lighten the burdens on their hearts. The hearts of my soldiers who fight and die for me. I will not let the sacrifices that have been made go unrewarded. Those who have given everything for me during this war are reborn in Phoenix.
Memories haunt me; they are blurry, they are dark. Some of them are bright but tinted by the truth of what I know now, what I have come to realize. I am frustrated by these memories, as clearly shows on my face-at least to Loki. I am given endless torment and taunting by these memories, which wave themselves in my face and make me bitter and cold.
My eyes are open to the truth; am I ready to do what must be done about it? I don't know-I wonder, sometimes, if I am ready. I must be ready soon. Loki's words comfort me but the strength they bring is not everlasting.
I fear that I may soon come to fall in love with Loki; he has been so very close to me during this war. He has been here for me through the hardest moments of my life. And it brings happiness to me to know that he is there. That he worries for me, that he cares for me. It is a happy thing for me to know that even when I feel like giving up hope there is someone out there who will bring me back into the light.
Though perhaps into the light is the wrong word. But he brings me back into the best way of life I can live right now. I feel wounded, as though I am missing something, but he replaces it for a little while each time we talk. Talking to him always feel like I am lifting a burden from myself, and that he is sharing in my pain, that he is there with me to help me.
I am very open with him, as I never was even with Elric. It frees me to be around him and to know that I can say anything to him and he will forgive me. He has truly forgiven all of my wrongs as I think the others cannot bring themselves to.
The sun departs; it is time to see my people.
~Astarael
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